3 myths that rob your confidence to connect with your children and how to bust them
Immigrant parents overcame incredible hurdles to transition from their home country to a new one. They put in countless hours to build a thriving life and brought wonderful children into this world. Immigrant parents may not realize that they are in for a surprise. They will have to cross even more hurdles to connect with their children.
Do you often feel misunderstood, underappreciated, and judged by your American-born children? No matter how much work you have put in to provide for your children, they still grumbled at you. When you ask them about their day, they say, “it’s fine,’ and nothing more. Finding out what is going on with your children is like digging for gold. You only feel like a successful parent when your teen asks for help or permission to hang out with friends.
And you tried. You really tried. You have reached out to your children and offered to take them out for food and go on trips to connect with them better. They may take you up on these offers, but the relationship remains the same. You wondered, “why is it so hard to communicate with my children? They are my children, I should know them the best, but nothing seems to work.” You begin to doubt yourself and feel that the hurdles to connect with your children are too big to conquer.
There are many hurdles that immigrant parents must overcome to connect with their American-born children, but what if some of these hurdles are not real hurdles? They are just myths. Here are 3 myths that rob your confidence in connecting with your children:
Myth #1: I have to be fluent in both languages.
It is a common belief that immigrant parents must be fluent in both their native language and English to fully communicate with their children. You want to understand what your teen is trying to express without translating their words or looking them up in a dictionary. You try to look up the meaning of the words they use so you can understand what they mean.
However, communication is less about words. Professor Albert Mehrabian from UCLA studied personal communication in the 1970s. His research suggests that 7% of personal communication is spoken words, 38% is voice and tone, and 55% is body language. Observing your teen’s body language and hearing their tone and voice would allow you to understand 93% of their communication. That’s incredibly high. Even though you may not be fluent in both languages, you still have ways to understand your teen. If you have conversational English or professional language (the language you learned in your field and profession), that puts you even closer to 100%
So you do not need to be fluent in both languages to connect with your teen. Nor do they. Having a second language is nice, but it is not the only way to feel connected.
Myth #2 My challenges are harder than my children’s challenges.
Many immigrant parents have tried to tell their stories to their children, and they tend to tell them repeatedly. Some parents would even bring their children back to their country of origin to show them where they came from and the incredible challenges they have gone through to be in the United States and be where they are today.
Some immigrants have suffered through war, refugee experiences, and separation of their families to get here, and there is no downplaying how traumatic these experiences were. These challenges may have harmed you, but that doesn’t mean what your children are going through is easier.
Children with immigrant families have their own trauma and challenges. Many American-Born children with immigrant families can often recall the first time they had lunch at school, and everyone around them shouted, “eww” to the food their parents packed for them. These children can recall their guilt when their parents brought up their stories. These children can also share how embarrassed they were when their friends ran away from the food their parents prepared or rejected playdate invites. These experiences may not be challenging for immigrant parents, but they are definitely challenges for the children.
Challenges are personal, not universal. One cannot compare challenges people face without diminishing someone else’s experiences.
Myth #3 My child is not interested in my story.
When you tell your children your story, you may receive groaning from them rather than their interest. You see them take out their phones, listen to music, watch videos, or scroll TikTok / Instagram / Snapchat … etc. You assume your children are not interested in your stories. Over time, your willingness to tell your story decreases, and you feel discouraged.
It may be true that teenagers are more likely to take an interest in themselves and their friends than their parents. But as they discover themselves and explore their identity, they can’t help but wonder where they came from. They become interested in their parents and their stories, especially if they can see the connection between your stories and theirs.
Many opportunities for connections are lost when parents assume their children are not interested in their stories. If you assume your child is interested in your story, and they just have not gotten around to asking you yet, you may be pleasantly surprised when they finally ask you about your story.
These myths robbed immigrant parents of precious opportunities to connect with their teens. Here are 6 actions you can take to prevent being robbed further and take back the opportunities to connect with your teen.
Action #1: Observe your children quietly.
Personal communication hinges on your ability to acknowledge and understand voice, tone, and body language, so take the time to observe your children. Watch them closely as they voluntarily share themselves at the dinner table, in the car, or when they participate in activities. See how they handle stress and surprising situations and interact with their friends. Through observing, you will get to know your teen better than talking to them all the time.
Action #2: Listen, don’t react.
The skill of listening is incredibly important in communication; it is actually more important than speaking. When your teen tells you something, just listen and don’t react. Teenagers undergo many changes during their teen years, and they aren’t sure if you will accept them and love them as they go through these changes. So when they finally muster the courage to share something with you, don’t react, or you will frighten them, causing them to run away. This includes positive reactions. So just listen, don’t react.
Action #3: Create opportunities for casual connections.
Teenagers don’t like adult attention much, even when alone. Teens don’t like being known as “teacher’s pet” or “know-it-all.” These are the people who get a lot of adult attention. So they are most likely to agree to a “sit down chat” where you look at your teen looking back at you. So create casual connections that invite conversations. The easiest ones revolve around food. Put out snacks, invite them to go shopping with you (including grocery shopping, or get boba/coffee with you. Go into these casual opportunities with no agenda, and see what your teen brings up in conversation.
Action #4: Let their challenges fill up the space.
When your teen shares their challenges with you, let their challenge fill up the conversation space. They came to you to tell you something, don’t stop them by telling them what you would have done or how you had overcome that challenge when you were their age. Their challenges are unique to them, and it is impacting them. They are bringing their challenges to you because they trust you will help them feel safe in their relationship with you. So protect it by giving them the space to share.
Action #5: Ask them, “What do you need?”
Parents often jump in too quickly with answers and solutions because they have significantly more life experiences than their teens. The solution is clear as day; if the teens just do x y z, they will solve the problem, but often, the teen isn’t looking for solutions. They are looking for empathy and they are looking for a place where they can process their ideas verbally. So ask them, “What do you need?” This question accomplishes two purposes: 1) you help your teen to become more aware of their own needs, which will serve them well when they go to college. 2) It invites your teens to ask for help in a non-threatening way.
Action #6 Offer to share your story with an open hand.
People like to look at offers and decide whether to take the offer and participate. Your teen included. So instead of forcing them to listen to your story, offer them an opportunity to learn about you with an open hand. It also means that sometimes they are not ready to hear your story, and be okay with them saying no and try again on another day, preferably another day. Your teen might be more willing to say yes if they know there is no pressure and your story has similar themes or values.
You might think these 6 actions will be hard for you, and how come your children don’t have to do anything? It seems like all the hard work is on you. That’s what makes you a caring parent. You are willing to sacrifice your pride, time, and energy for your child in the hope of a better connection. As you embody these values, your child who is s paying attention to you will be more likely to want it for themselves. Be patient, take action today, and begin to bust these myths and connect with your child better.
