4 Steps to build habits that last more than a month.
Are you too disappointed in yourself to make New Year's Resolutions? You wanted big changes in your life when you were younger, but you have realized that changes are very difficult to sustain, regardless of how good the change may sound: going to the gym 3 times a week, getting out more, spending more time with family, working less, eating healthier, reading more, etc. It is just so hard to keep it going after a few days.
Because life gets in the way.
Your kids got sick, a fight broke out in your home, a new task landed in your inbox, a new deadline, the car broke down, etc. There are so many unplanned situations that can ruin the positive change you want to make.
So it is easier to just give up and let life take you. And you think to yourself, “if I just sink my teeth in, get through this season of my life, then everything will be fine.”
But will it be fine?
Life becomes more complicated, not less complicated.
And you wake up one day and realize that you haven’t changed at all. You can feel disappointed, disheartened, and even depressed.
Deep down inside, you wanted a better version of yourself. You wanted something better. Your desire to be better is the drive that motivated you to make New Year's Resolutions in the first place. Why do we feel this pull towards a better version of ourselves?
Mankind were created in God’s image, which means that you were created to reflect God’s perfection. So we are drawn to perfection because that’s how we were created. (Gen 1:27-28)
Apostle Paul wrote the people in Ephesus to remind them who they are and the reason God chose to give them a gift of salvation. He wrote “we are [God’s] workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand…” (Eph 2:10).
You are naturally drawn to beauty and skills because you were created to be beautiful and skillful.
As a result, there is an innate desire to look better and do greater things. There is a desire to be better.
So how can you make lasting changes that actually move you towards better?
You create lasting habits that reflect who you are, and here are 4 steps to help you get there.
Step 1: Know yourself
Your behavior reflects who you are, and when they don’t match, you feel the dissonance in you.
An athlete practices their sport consumes food that helps with their performance, and builds rituals before competing.
A gamer purchases top-of-the-line equipment and spends many hours playing the game to prepare them to compete with others.
A thoughtful person considers different perspectives, listens to others, gathers data, and analyzes information.
Out of who you are, you perform actions that are aligned with who you are.
How would you describe yourself?
How would you respond to the question, “who are you?”
Try answering that question without sharing your job title, what you do, or how you relate to another person. In other words, avoid saying, “I am a father, a programmer, or a friend.”
If you are not satisfied with yourself, then the next logical step is to figure out who you want to be. Use this question to help you figure out an aspect of who you are: What is one characteristic or value you want for yourself?
Step 2: Dream about the habit you want to have.
After you have figured out who you are, then consider what actions this type of person is known to take. Here are some examples:
A morning person would usually wake up at 5 am.
A reader would read 20 pages a day.
A caring parent would invite their children to play or have a conversation twice a week.
A prayerful person would pray for 15 minutes a day.
This is a place where you can dream. Dreams motivate you to move forward. Dreams give you the energy you need to perform the tasks that help you build your habit. Dreams are your pictures of a better version of yourself. So take a few moments to write down a few dream behaviors you want to have for yourself.
Step 3: Be realistic and shrink the actions.
Sudden change doesn’t last. Our body is used to how you currently spend the 24 available hours you have each day. Adding something new means replacing something that was there before. While you are putting the effort into adding something new and removing something old, you are also spending your mental capacity and your will power. Once you run out of your ability to tell yourself to do the new task, then you will slide back to where you were before.
You might be able to find 30 minutes a day to read for a couple of days or during a break, but can you do it every day to make that into your new habit?
You might be able to listen to your spouse for an hour once a week right now, but are you able to be emotionally and mentally prepared to do that every week?
Even if your answer is “yes, absolutely,” your body will fight you for it. It is way easier to play with your phone, watch TV, fight with your spouse, present your argument, or whichever task that you will be sacrificing to create room for the new habit.
So start small. It is easier to read for 5 minutes a day daily than jump in with 30 minutes. It is easier to listen to your spouse for five minutes a few days a week than jump in with 1 hour once a week.
Take 1 dream habit, and break it down into the smallest action. Taking the above examples, the action can be as small as:
I will sit at my favorite spot and open my book for 1 minute daily.
I will ask my one listening question to my spouse and listen for 3 minutes once a week.
Specific and achievable are 2 of the 5 elements in the “SMART” goal. When you are able to be specific, then you can easily track your habit. Achievable goals allow you to feel successful, which gives you a feeling of confidence and success that led to more success.
Step 4: Reward the behavior that aligns with who you are.
You will pay more attention to the habit that you are trying to build if you keep score of your habit and reward yourself for achieving the habit. The more attention you give to a particular habit, the more likely you will sustain the habit. What is something you already like and enjoy? Tie that to your action. You don’t need to invent something new. You can take what you already enjoy into a new habit. Here are some suggestions:
I will make my favorite tea and read for 1 minute.
I will put out my favorite snack when I ask my one listening question to my spouse.
Many people might tell you that you should like the activity for the activity. You should read because you like reading. Or you should want to talk to your spouse. You were talking non-stop when you were dating. The reality is that we all need a bit of incentive to add a new thing into our routine and remove something that we have enjoyed (that’s why they are there in the first place). You will succeed more if you incentivize yourself to start your habit.
Bonus Step: Invite someone into your routine and your celebration.
We were created to be with one another. We feel we belong with someone when we can invite them into our lives. One way you can do that is to share the new habit that you are building out of who you are and invite others to celebrate with you. It can also be part of something you already enjoy doing. Perhaps you like to get together with your friend once a week. Take a minute to share your win during that time. Perhaps you go on walks or dates with your spouse once a week, and use that time to ask your spouse to celebrate with you and cheer you on.
Changes take effort, so don’t make it too hard on yourself. Start with something you can manage regularly and consistently to build a lasting habit that aligns with who you are.
