My Teen is Not Patient: what are the causes and what are my options?
Ever experienced your teens interrupting you when you are talking to them? They kept interrupting and jumping in with their opinions, and it came off as disrespectful and rude.
If you were looking at this interaction from the side, you might even judge the parents for how poorly they parent their teens. As a result, you may feel embarrassed and even ashamed.
A behavior can signal multiple underlying issues. When teens act out, they can be acting out for a variety of reasons. So before you jump in to correct your child, figure out the underlying cause. When you focus on the surface, the behavior, you are likely to miss the mark as a result, your relationship with your teens deteriorates.
What are some underlying reasons why teens jump in and interrupt their parents?
Possible reason #1: They learned from observing their parents.
Children grow up observing and learning from their parents. Children have good observation skills as well as good imitation skills. They pick up communication patterns from their parents quickly, and they apply the same patterns in their lives and in their communication with their parents. If teens grow up in an environment where the adults interrupt each other constantly, then it is likely that the teens also learn how to interrupt others.
Possible reason #2: They feel the need to defend themselves.
How quickly can you come up with a defense or an opinion on something you are passionate about? Probably pretty quickly. Many people formulated their responses in their heads when they heard one or two keywords from the other person, especially when a person felt attacked. Sometimes it is an actual attack, and sometimes, it is the perception of an attack.
A teen might be very sensitive when the parents ask if they have showered yet because they feel criticized and perceive that the parents thought they weren’t responsible enough to remember to take a shower.
A teen might feel their competence is being attacked when their parents offer advice.
A teen might feel that their character is being attacked when they hear phrases such as “be nice” or “you should know better.”
In those moments, the teen might feel the need to jump in and defend themselves against these attacks, even though you may not mean to attack them.
Possible reason #3: They bottled up a lot of emotions.
Just because teens don’t share their feelings does not mean they don’t have them. They probably have a lot of mixed feelings bottled inside, not knowing when and how to express them appropriately. They might not have the tools to regulate their emotions, so when they are talked to by their parents, it is possible that they may explode, feelings all the feelings all at once because the feelings weren’t processed. Their feelings may have nothing to do with the conversation, but the conversation reminded them of the unprocessed feelings.
Possible reason #4: They want to express something more important to them than what you have to say.
You and your teen have different priorities and sometimes competing priorities. When you come at your teen with what you think is important, they may. not perceive them as important, so they want to share what is more important to them. They feel that it is urgent for them to express what is more important, and that could cause them to jump in.
There are many possible reasons for the same behavior, jumping in and interrupting the parents. So what can you do?
Option 1: Set an example
Demonstrate patience and respect in conversations with everyone in your family. Show your teen how conversations should happen in the home with each member of the family. Once you are able to model and articulate the behavior, it is more likely that your teen will observe and imitate.
Option 2: Let them talk.
This option allows you to listen to what is most important to your teen. If they feel the urge to share, and can’t wait for your to finish, then it must be really important to them. Then you can choose to take the listener role and just listen. You ask questions based on your curiosity rather than defensiveness. As a result, you may get to know your teen better.
Option 3: Schedule to say what you want to say
If your teen is interrupting you, you can let them speak or say, I have something important to tell you, and I see that you also want to speak. I think what you want to say is important. I care about what you have to say and feel strongly about what I have to say. So I need you to tell me a time that is good for me to tell you what I have to say without interruption (using the whole message - more detail in this blog post). Put it on a schedule, and wait until the agreed-upon time to say what you want to say.
Option 4: Establish rules of engagement
Rules of engagement are meant to create a protected space for each person to have a space to speak and a space to listen. First, decide what rules of engagement you want to have and then discuss them with your teen. Together, create rules of engagement together. Who will speak first, and who will listen first? What will the listener do while the speaker speaks? How long will the conversation go, and when to switch? Once both sides have agreed on the rules of engagement, then execute it.
Option 5: Explain to your teen the reason what you want to say is important.
What is causing you to want to say this to your teen right now? What do you hope your teen walks away with this conversation? How will what you want to say influence your teen positively? What are your true motivations for saying these words? Explain that to them, to your teens understand the why behind what you have to say.
There are more options than the ones listed here. The bottom line is that one behavior will have multiple underlying causes and emotions. Without understanding the underlying emotions, you will keep bumping into these issues. Understand the cause and the emotions associated with it so that you can improve your relationship with your teen.
