Let's Reschedule This Conversation: How to Manage Intense Emotions

Have you ever had a conversation where it was going one way, and all of the sudden, the person you are talking to had a drastic shift of mood, the conversation just went downhill from there? Either you or the person wants to walk away from the conversation, hurtful things were said, or you are just ready to throw a tantrum.

Conversations are fluid, not linear.

Sometimes the events that happened in the past get brought up and added to the current conversation

“Here you go again, you always do this!”

“You were so mean to me last week.”

“You took my stuff the week before that!”

“You forgot our anniversary last year, and now you are forgetting it again! Do I matter?”

“You have always been like this, since when you were a child.”

Then there are times when the conversation takes a turn and the future gets brought into the conversation.

“I am afraid that if you keep doing this, you are going to hurt yourself.”

“You are just going to be mean again, so I need to correct you right now.”

“we will wait until tomorrow, the thing isn’t going anywhere right now.”

Then there are times when the conversation goes back and forth between the past and the present, between facts and feelings.

“I will fix that tomorrow.”

“you always say tomorrow, you haven’t fix that chip on the table since Thanksgiving.”

“Well, you have been giving me too many projects.”

“That’s because you only care about your project and you don’t care about what happens in our home.”

“Are you calling me selfish?”

“you said it, not me.”

Conversations often bring up emotions. Some emotions are very intense. These emotions can be triggered by a word, a memory, the tone, or body language. Your past experiences will impact how you perceive a conversation, and therefore bring up emotions that are challenging to control in that moment.

Instead of trying to have a conversation while you are feeling emotions, give yourself time to process the emotions. Find out for yourself where are the emotions coming form, and what memories does it trigger. So you can re-enter the conversation with a sense of calm and peace. The best way to do that is to reschedule the conversation.

Ask the person for time and space away from the conversation, and reschedule.

“I am detecting strong feelings, let’s reschedule this conversation to Saturday so we can talk about it calmly.”

“to prevent me from saying anything hurtful, let’s reschedule this conversation when I have some time to process my feelings. I will reach out when I am ready to schedule this conversation.”

“I want to give you my best self in this conversation, but I can’t right now. Let’s talk about this agin tomorrow so I am ready.”

Conversations are fluid, and it can go anywhere So embrace its messiness and have a tool that helps you to regulate when you feel your emotion creeps up in the middle of the conversation.

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