Teaching Positive Behaviors to Your Child - It's More Than Just a Reminder

No matter how many times you tell your child to do something, it seems like they always need another reminder. You may be wondering when they will finally mature and change their behavior.

As a Head of School, I have positional authority, which means that some people may perceive me as someone with authority simply because I hold a higher position. However, not everyone thinks and feels that way. It is always interesting that certain teachers or staff members think that a student would listen to me just because I am the Head of School, so they send students to my office so I can “discipline them.”

In all my years of leadership, I have never seen a student stop a behavior just because they talked to the principal. The student may try a bit harder to control themselves to avoid getting into trouble, but that doesn't last. The behavior that caused them to come to my office often resurfaces after about a week.

Behaviors are a combination of a person's genetics, environment, and experiences. Genetics can provide a foundation for certain behaviors, while environment and experiences can shape a person's responses and reactions to certain situations. For example, a person who has had a positive experience with a teacher may become more motivated to learn, while a person who has had a negative experience may become more resistant. Additionally, a person's environment can impact their responses to certain behaviors, such as a person who is in a calm environment may be more likely to think through a situation, while a person who is in a chaotic environment may be more likely to react impulsively. A student who has yet to learn how to manage their emotions and socially appropriate behaviors may act out in frustration and anger.

When a student displays a behavior that is not acceptable in a social setting, a verbal warning or reminder is not going to be effective in changing behaviors that have been formed for years.

So the question isn’t “how do I stop the child from this behavior?” The questions you should be asking to help your child stop doing something have two parts:

Part 1: What behavior do I want my child to display instead?

To stop a behavior, a replacement behavior has to take the original behavior’s place. If you want your child to “not leave the dishes on the table,” then you need to determine where you want your child to take the dishes after they are done with their meal. The sink or the dishwasher? If you want your child to keep their hands to themselves, then you need to give them a place where they can place their hands. Perhaps it is in their pocket, on their side, or behind them. To stop doing something, you also need to start doing something. Otherwise, the behavior that you try to get your child to stop will find its way back.

Part 2: How do I create an environment and experience to help my child display that behavior?

This is where you need to determine a value for your family with your spouse. What are your values and how will you display your values? For example, your value could be that every member of the family needs to contribute to the cleanliness of the house positively, and to help your family live out this value, everyone puts their dishes in the sink at the end of every meal. Everyone picks up their own items, and there is a place for every item. The behavior should reflect the value and multiple behaviors can reflect the same value. Articulate these values verbally, demonstrate them, invite your children to participate in them, and reward them with attention or other forms of praise to reinforce the behavior. Create an environment where behaviors that align with your values are celebrated and behaviors that are contrary to the values are ignored or punished.

With these two parts questions, you can train up your child slowly to the values and norms you have created for your family. The same behavior may resurface because no one is perfect, but the frequency will decrease over time as the behavior becomes a habit.