There is way more underneath the surface; 5 questions to help your teen dig deeper.
I used to hate looking at the mirror. I hate the way I look, especially my face.
As a teenager, I had a face full of pimples. My parents used to tell me that I have an oily type of face so I have got to wash my face more often. I tried washing my face, but it didn’t seem to work.
I received several suggestions from the people around me. One suggestion was given to me to put egg white on my face, wait ten minutes, then wash it off. Another suggestion was to go through a seven-step skin care routine every morning and every night. It all sounded like too much work and way too expensive.
I quickly rejected those suggestions because one, eggs are for eating, and two, I don’t know where to even begin to learn a skin care routine.
So I didn’t do much, except really hating the way I look. I tried to fix the problem by popping the pimples. As a result, there were many scars left on my face. These pimples bothered me so much, that I refuse to look at myself in the mirror. Even when I was brushing my teeth or wash my face, I would look down at the sink, rather than the mirror. I didn’t like what I look liked. As a result, I started to act out. Some behaviors including yelling at my parents, stay past my curfew, and in ways that help me escape facing my face. I didn’t have the words then, but as an adult now, I realized what I was feeling was shame. I was ashamed to have a face full of pimple, not because there were pimples, but because what it represents. It represented that I did not have the skill or the knowledge to take care of myself. It represented someone who didn’t have self discipline. It represented someone who is not organized enough to follow a face-washing routine. My shame came from what I think how other sees me, and not wanting to be known as a person who lacks discipline.
For almost two decades, I had the privilege of hearing the things that bother these teens. I realized that the reason why many teens like to say “I don’t know.” when asked a direct question about how they feel about themselves is because one, they haven’t had the opportunity to explore what it means to be them. Two, they actually don’t have the words to describe their feelings. They didn’t understand the shame they may be experiencing or the fear that is making them anxious and withdrawn. When they decide to share and able to put words about how they feel, they had some difficulties digging deeper and look beyond the surface.
Here are 5 questions that are helpful to help teens dig deeper so you can help them bring their feelings to the surface then you can help them manage these feelings:
What would this mean to you?
If you do know how you feel, what would you say?
What are some experiences that made you feel the same way in the past?
What does it mean when you do this?
What does this experience remind you of?
Even though looking below the surface is scary, it is worth to bringing these emotions to the surface so you know what you are dealing with. This process is messy, and it is not linear. So give it time, space, and a lot of patience. Help your teen explore their emotions, not just focusing on their behavior.
