5 tips to prepare you for family time
“I am excited to see my grandpa” - a 1st-grade student
“I don’t want to deal with the energy my sister brings” - a parent with teenage children.
“I can’t wait to spend some time with my brother’s family and their new baby.” - young adult.
“I wonder what my parents are going to tell me this time about raising kids.” - young adult with young children.
Like the people I asked, you probably have mixed feelings about spending family time on holiday. You may enjoy one aspect of it, but you dread the other parts of it. You look forward to catching up with your family, but you know you aren’t going to enjoy what they have to say about certain topics. These emotions exist simultaneously and can impact the quality of your time with them.
During the Thanksgiving break, you probably have a taste of what family time will be like during Christmas. You may only spend a meal or two during Thanksgiving with your family, but you may spend a few days with your family during Christmas. If you had a bad experience during Thanksgiving, you are probably not looking forward to Christmas.
Like you, I had mixed feelings during the days leading up to Thanksgiving. I was excited to see my family because it takes quite an effort to see them during regular weeks. I look forward to hearing their updates and any exciting news they may bring. On the other hand, my family member’s habits, quirks, and mannerisms can drive me crazy. Even though we are from the same family, we are very different. The emotions I would describe my time with family include excitement, joy, relaxing, happy, and calm. It also includes anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, angry, and sad.
Luckily, I had some strategies that helped me prepare myself for family time, and I hope these will help you manage your range of emotions as you prepare to spend more family time in the next few weeks.
Tip #1: Ask yourself what you need to stay positively engaged with your family
Someone once told me, “I feel selfish when I do self-care.” The feeling of selfishness came from “caring for themselves” rather than serving others. However, when I asked them how they feel when they serve others without taking care of themselves, the feelings they named were “resentful,” “angry,” “underappreciated,” and “bitter.” The people you serve can smell these emotions from a mile away, and would they truly feel served if they sense bitterness and resentment?
What if caring for yourself allows you to serve others pleasantly and joyfully? Isn’t that better than your emotions when you don’t care for yourself?
So ask yourself what you need to stay positively engaged with your family.
If you are an introvert, you might need alone time. If you are an extrovert, you might need to spend some time with friends before you spend time with your family. If you want to feel refreshed, you may need a short trip, a run, or clean up your hyouse. Whatever it is, name them and acknowledge them. It is okay to have needs, you aren’t perfect, and that’s okay.
Tip #2 Plan for what you need.
Now that you have some ideas of what you need before spending time with your family plan to do those things. This includes time, space, and finances.
Here are some questions to help you plan:
What are the activities that you have identified from tip #1?
How long will each activity take (including travel time)?
Who will you do the activity with?
Where will you do your activity?
How much are you willing to spend on the activity?
Which activities are feasible for you and those you are inviting to the activities?
Here are some examples:
I will read for 2 hours on the morning of the family gathering. I will brew a cup of coffee, put on my headset to listen to jazz, and read this book I have pre-selected. I will ask my husband to take the kids.
My wife and I took a short trip to the city by car for 5 hours, and we plan to spend up to $100 on food.
I am taking my family to spend a night near a beach, and I am taking half a day off work to make it happen.
I am gathering with my friends to get hot pot the weekend before spending time with my family, and we will eat and enjoy good jokes and stories.
Tip #3 Ask someone you trust to help you execute your plan.
The harsh reality is that not everyone will value your time and needs. They are more likely to demand your time than to give you time and space to take care of yourself, so you need some help.
After you have created a plan, share it with someone you trust. This person should
know how to listen to you and let you finish your thought, your complete thought, before interrupting you.
honors your thoughts and your needs.
encourages you and keeps you accountable for your plans.
This person could be your spouse, significant other, friend, or mentor.
If you take a little courage and share your plan in detail with someone you trust, you might be surprised by the support you receive.
Tip #4 Ask yourself how you really feel about each family member and acknowledge it.
Naming and labeling your emotion can actually help you regulate your emotion. You can be calmer, more put together, and better regulated if you are able to label your feeling.
Write down all the family members with whom you will interact on a piece of paper, in your journal, or on your computer or phone. Then write 1 or 2 emotions that you noticed in yourself when you think about that family member. Label those feelings. If you need help with emotion vocabulary, here is a “feelings wheel” and “mood meter” to help you.
Be honest and keep this list secure. This is for your emotion regulation, not a list to confront your family. This is to help you recognize and acknowledge your emotions so you can anticipate them when you see your family.
Tip #5 Create a list of “look forward to” to put you in a positive mood for family time.
We all need something to look forward to. It could be the food you eat, the one cousin you enjoy spending time with, playing video games, or watching a game/movie with your family. You need something to look forward to lifting your mood and help you feel more positive about your family time.
You can even create a list to look forward to keeping your cool and remaining calm during family gatherings. This could be a nice meal out, a trip, or purchasing a gift for yourself.
Family can feel like a gift and a burden, and we all need different strategies to cope with the emotions that come with spending more time with our families over the holidays. Instead of being surprised by your family, prepare yourself for it.
I wish your family time this year is better than ever before.
