My teen isn’t sharing their real feelings, what should I do?
Questions: How do I get my teen to share their real feelings?
For parents who are very intentional in building a trusting relationship with their teenager, it can be really frustrating when your teen responds with “fine'“, “it’s good”, and “there is nothing new.”
You can see it on their face that they are feeling something, but they just won’t tell you, as if they are hiding from you. You may question yourself and wonder if you have been a good parent. If you are a good parent, then why won’t my teen trust me enough to tell me what is going on? And these thoughts spiral, and these thoughts hurt those who love them the most.
To dive into this question, you must first understand that you ask the question with several assumptions:
Assumption #1: my teen knows his/her real feelings.
Human beings are complex and have a multitude of feelings. As little humans enter their teenage years, they suddenly experience a lot more feelings happening all together all the time. These feelings are not easy to tease out. Emotions are the product of events leading up to the feeling, plus past memories that evoke similar feelings. The memories and events can cause some to feel discombobulated. So for someone who doesn’t know what is going on inside of them, it is really hard to say if they are aware of the feelings they are feeling.
Assumption #2: my teen knows how to express feelings appropriately.
Don’t assume your teen knows what words to use to express their feelings. Feelings are complex, and there are many nuances. There is a difference between angry, frustrated, and furious. There is also a difference between relaxed, calm, and peaceful. It takes training and practice for a person to tease out their feelings, understand what caused the feeling, and label them correctly. So please don’t assume that your teen knows what words to use to describe how he or she feels.
In society, some feelings are more acceptable to express, and others are not really acceptable socially to express. It is more acceptable to express anger than embarrassment. It is more acceptable to express positive feelings rather than negative ones. Your teen may not know which ones are acceptable, so to avoid the risk, it is safer to not express them at all.
Assumption #3: my teen is intentionally hiding something from me.
Although that may be true in some cases, it isn’t true in all cases. It could be that the teen may not feel safe enough to share, or they may not think it is significant enough to share. Children learn early on in their lives that when parents are stressed, angry, or sad, they should hide their feelings than express them. The children do not want to add additional burden to the parents. So if they don’t feel safe with you yet or they don’t think you would care, they may choose not to share how they truly feel with you.
So what can you do? What can the parents do to help their children share how they truly feel?
Tip #1: Create an environment that signal to your teen that it is safe to share.
To create a safe environment, there have to be some boundaries. Here are some ways you can create boundaries that communicate safety to your teen:
find a common space.
set a time limit for the conversation.
ask your teen to schedule the conversation.
tell your teen the purpose of the conversation is to understand them.
tell your teen that you will just be listening.
Tip #2: Provide your teen a tool to understand how to feel
The mood meter and the RULER tool is a powerful tool to help a person understand emotions. It includes 5 steps:
Recognize emotion
Understand Emotion
Label Emotion
Express Emotion
Regulate emotion.
Tools are meant to be practiced regularly, and there will be mistakes. If you are able to practice with professionals, it would be helpful to firm up the skills and teach your kids to do the same. These professionals could be counselors, therapists, and coaches.
Tip #3: Teach your teen how to express themselves with the whole message
A whole message helps people to express their observations, their feelings, their thoughts, and also their needs. (from “The Message, the communication skill book”)
Components of a whole message
Observation: report what your senses tell you.
Thoughts: your thoughts are conclusions, and inferences drawn from what you have heard, read and observed.
Feelings: Share the emotion that you have identified.
Need: statements about what would help you or please you.
Formula
I notice … ( I see…)
I think …
I feel …
I need …
Examples of Whole Messages
I noticed you didn’t greet me when you entered the kitchen. I think you are mad at me. I feel I did something wrong. I need you to tell me if I have offended you in any way.
I see that you choose to bring your phone to the dinner table. I think you want to distract yourself from engaging in conversations with me. I feel sad that you do not want to engage in conversation with me or connect with me. I want to connect with you, so I need you to help me figure out how to connect with you.
There is more than one way to help your teen express how they truly feel. These are just some of the ways to check your assumptions and also have some strategies to use. It is also important to note that changes don’t happen overnight. It will take time, effort, and practice.
